The Big Why?

Its been a couple weeks since my last blog, so I basically have blown it on that commitment, but if I have learned anything in life its that you can't stop doing something just because you fail on your first go around. So on that note . . .

I read something today that really got me thinking the big question: Why am I fat? I figure any morbidly obese person goes through this type of thinking. I mean, I had plenty of thin friends growing up that ate just as much as me, and probably crappier than me. They were less active than me, and yet . . . I was the fat kid. I know it just drove my Mom crazy. She always made sure there were no sugary cereals in the house. She tried to cook dinner every night. She would have healthy snacks for when we got home from school. For all purposes . . . She was a healthy eater. My Dad was a bit overweight most of his "dad" life. I mean, most of the years I knew him, he carried an extra 20-30 lbs. But, he was active and I don't remember feeling like he ate any worse than all the skinny Dads did. So, why was I fat?

I kind of feel like there is a lot of reasons why kids are chubby or obese when they are young. However, I am not sure that I can say that it would be the same for all kids. I think we all have different paths that we go down in life, and some of that has to do with our parents, some with genetics, and quite a bit of it comes from just who we are as a person.

Let's get one thing straight about being a fat kid: NO ONE WANTS TO BE A FAT KID. And I can almost guarantee, no parent wants their kid to be fat. I experienced pain and true heartache at a young age because I was chubby. I knew as a young girl, that looks mattered. And they mattered to EVERYONE. Being a fat kid, at the time, doesn't have anything to do with your health. Being a fat kid is an psychological war path. It perpetuates self hate, self loathing, and genuine isolation. I remember being a 13 year old girl, and crying myself to sleep at night, because I felt that no one was going to love me because I was fat. No one would ever know the real me, because the real me was only good as a "friend." The Chubby Friend. My identity was built around that. BUT My parents didn't teach me that. Lots of people loved me, but somewhere along the way I was embedded with the idea that fat people are gross. We don't want to look at them. YUCK! Something about obesity makes everyone around you feel like they need to fix you. And being that fat person in the crowd hurts. It hurts deep down. And that hurt is too much to bear sometimes. So, I turned to my drug of choice, to numb that pain: FOOD. The cycle begins.

Now, lets not lie to ourselves folks . . . My self development was not one dimensional. I am one complicated chick. But, who is to say how much my obesity played a part in who I am today. Like many overweight kids out there, I over compensated. If I wasn't going to be the cool, skinny, hot girl . . . Well then I was going to be the totally rad, super fun, outgoing, funny, fat girl. I played the part well, because let's be honest: I didn't really like the boys that much anyway. :) I much preferred to spend time with the girls, cracking jokes, going to the movies and helping them know the right things to say to all the boys. I had the ins of course because the boys were all my best friends. LOL. The signs were all there, but it took me about 20 years figure it all out.

I guess I am still trying to answer that question: Why Am I Fat? As I am on this path of weight loss after my surgery, I am learning so much about myself. I can say with 100% certainty, that the reasons I was a fat kid are the exact same reasons I was a fat adult. My story is made of two major components: Genetics and Portion Size. I feel strongly that my genetics pre-dispose me toward a disease of addiction and obesity. Take that pre-disposition and throw in some low self esteem and you have the makings for a mobidly obese woman. MY obesity is a disease. I am finding that I don't get to be like the other kids. I don't get to eat whatever I want. I have to be careful and diligent with what I put in my mouth. I have to persevere when it is horribly tough to exercise, because if I don't do these things, I won't just be 20 or 30 lbs overweight . . . I will have diabetes, heart ache, jeans that never fit, sore knees, difficult sleeping at night, depression, bus seats that are too damn small, and the worst part . . . Self Doubt.

Isn't self doubt what starts all of down those rough paths in our lives? The doubt that I am worth it, or the doubt that I can overcome it, or the simple self doubt that I have the strength to keep trying no matter what.

I guess the question isn't why am I Fat? Or why do I have brown hair? Or why am I gay? Or why am I addict? I think the real question is, Can I accept it and move on with a healthy and full life?

I am a food addict. I love food. I love how it make me feel. But, I hate what my addiction has done to my heart, my soul, the people I love, and most of all my body. As a child, I am not sure there is anything that my Mom could have done to change my path. I know she would have given her own life to save me from the pain. But, what she did give me, and what role I know she is playing in my recovery today, is this: She reminded me constantly, that she loves me and that my life is worth doing whatever I need to do to have peach, happiness, and health.

I want to end this blog with a quote from my Dad. "There are just some in things, where you can ask why all your life, and never get the answer. And all you've done is waste a lot of time asking why."

Weight: 211.4

"Balanced" Diet

I wanted to start this blog off by sharing a story from this weekend. I am not sure what the deal is but lately I have been so clutzy! I don't really consider myself a clutz, but I am starting to think that such quick weight loss is causing me to be a little off balance. For example, we were at Pt. Isabel with Oskar and his friend Dexter, and our friends Nicole & Devin. Anyway . . . I through the ball out for Oskar and he got distracted, so I had to go fetch it myself in the this field of tall grass. The field has obviously had tons of dogs digging in it and probably lots of mud over the years. So there were these pit holes that I had walk carefully through. Anyway, as I was going to pick this ball up I heard a weird doggy noise behind me. I turned around to see what it was and all of sudden I was flat on my face. I thought for sure I had broken my nose, but in my head I kept thinking, "what just happened?" My face hurt and I was just laying all by myself in this field. I had stepped in a hole and completely lost my balance and fell forward right on my face. My arms didn't break the fall at all, and I must have looked quite precious to those around me. I couldn't help but laugh at myself later. I just fell, with no warning. So clutzy. Also, I trip all the time now, so I have really had to watch where I am going. LOL.

Outside of falling and tripping I am starting to feel so much better. I ended the antibiotics yesterday and I already feel like I am back to my old self. I think that I will try a walk/run with Oskar today and get out of the house. I find myself enjoying exercise more and more as I lose weight. Not only is getting easier, but I don't feel like I look so silly doing it. My endurance is really getting a lot better too. We did some hiking on last Sunday, and there were some hard parts for me, but overall I felt really good while I was doing it. Seeing the progress is so cool!

Jenni and I took some new pictures last night. I can really notice the difference in my face. I am definitely going to need new pants in couple of weeks too. I have one pair of jeans that are still fitting from my "skinny days." Yesterday I wore a shirt that I haven't fit in for almost 5 years. It was a good feeling. A really good feeling.

Weight: 223.2

Pics and Applesauce

Hey All,

I finally got to getting my weight loss pics up. Obviously, this slideshow will continue to get updated as I continue to take pics. I will be taking my February pics tomorrow, so I will upload the most recent ones soon.

Oskar and I went for a long walk to the dog park tonight and it was nice. There was a mean dog a the dog park though, so we left and went to go do our own thing. Good exercise though, and it helped me get out of the house today.

Lately I have really been craving a big super burrito for some reason. But like most things the thought of the burrito sounds really yummy, but the thought of actually eating the burrito, sounds . . . not so fun and kind of painful. Oh well, I will have some applesauce instead that sounds a lot easier and will be a lot better for me in the end. I never thought there would be a day where applesauce would sound better than a big ole burrito. This is what we call a serious lifestyle change folks. LOL

Well enjoy these extremely vulnerable pics of me. I'll get the new ones up soon.

Weight: Didn't weigh today

I don't like antibiotics

Hey All,

So during my surgery back in November the doctor discovered that I had a dangerous bacteria in my stomach called h. pilori. This bacteria left untreated has been known to cause stomach cancer, ulcers and other undesirable digestive diseases. Immediately after the surgery I couldn't start the antibiotics because the pills are so large and your stomach is small and still healing. So, my doctor waited until this month to prescribe the necessary antibiotics to treat the bacteria. WELL. . . The Prev-Pack that is prescribed is like $400 and since I pay cash up to the deductibile with my health plan, I chose the cheaper route of $60. What I didn't know is that these would be the most horrific 14 days of my medicine journey ever. So I have to take 2 different pills, 4 times a day, for 14 days. Basically, these antibiotics are killing everything in their path. SO I AM GETTING EVERY SIDE EFFECT KNOWN TO MAN. My mouth tastes like metal, everything smells weird, I have the runs, and all the other fun things women get to experience from wide spectrum antibiotics. UGH!!! I have felt so nauseous the past week. I feel like I can't drink or eat, which is critical to my weight loss. So, it has been a pretty painful and annoying step in this journey to get healthy. Let me just put it this way . . . It would be worth the extra $340 to never have to do this again. I finish up on Sunday and I think that I will be throwing a mini party when I am done with these pills.

With all that, my weight loss has felt slow the past week. Where I was losing 5-6 pounds a week, I only lost 2 last week. I have really been trying to get moving everyday, but it has been so tough when I feel so sick. Thank GOD that I can work from home, or I would be a mess. Jenni and I did some hiking on Monday afternoon. It was so beautiful and Oskar LOVED it. I got to wear some shorts that hadn't really fit me in a long time. Very cute shorts, that even Jenni is jealous of. So, that was exciting. To add to it, I went running after a ball with Oskar and almost lost my shorts. It was a little embarassing, but mostly it felt great that these shorts were actually big on me now. YAY!

I included the picture up above of him at one of favorite leisure parks, Pt. Isabel. he loves the water! Today is another beautful day outside so I think Oskar and I will do a walk/run. It is a good way for me to ramp up my walks and it slowly transitions me into running so I don't hurt myself. Right now I am doing 2 minutes of walking, and 1 minute of running. Works pretty good, and Oskar loves the running parts. LOL.

Weight Today 226.0

Catching Up

Hello All,

I have decided that I need to get caught up on my blogging and stick with it. My goal is to begin blogging at least 3 times a week for the next 6 months.

Since my last post a lot has changed with regard to my journey in weight loss. After many years of struggling with dieting and the "ups and downs" of my weight, I opted to have weight loss surgery. This is something that I had considered as a last option and I felt that I had come to that place in July/August of last year. I began the process to get approved by insurance and completed the process in October 2010. After consulting with physicians and my family I decided on a procedure called the Vertical Gastrectomy, or "The Sleeve." My surgery date was 11/10/10. So I am almost 90 days post-op now.

On October 27th I weighed 293 lbs. YEEOUCH!!! Today I weighed 227.8 lbs. So in total that is 65.2 lbs. My goal is to lose 138 lbs. So, I am almost to my half way point. Which is where my doctor thinks I should be this month.

By no means has this been the easy way out. It has been tough. I won't bore with all the details that I should have been blogging about 3 months ago, but it has been VERY tough for me mentally and psychologically. I feel good and did not have too many complications but my mind is still catching up with my body these days. I went to a group support meeting in January that was a amazing and really helped me see that I am not alone. My struggles with food addiction and "couch-potato-ness" are things that many people want to overcome. This surgery has been a tool for me to reach my lifetime goal of being an average weight person.

Some of the things that I have been doing to get fit have been really fun! Jenni and I have been going on two hikes a week with our dog, Oskar. This has turned out to be a family event and something I really enjoy. We have been trying to do one difficult hike and one leisurely hike on the weekends. It has been a great way for us to discover more about the Bay Area, but also get some exercise for us and our pet. We have also been playing the Kinect a couple times a week. My favorite is the beach volleyball game. This gets my heart rate up and it is a blast!!

Well, I am going to post some progression pics up this week, but they are on Jenni's computer, so I will have to wait. It is very strange to lose weight this quickly. Sometimes I forget what size I really am, until I see a recent photo, and I am like, "Oh yeah . . . I have lost a lot of weight."

Things that are Easier:
Eating small portions
Walking long distances
Going up stairs
Sleeping comfortably
Sitting for long periods
Driving the car
Riding the bus
Sitting in the bath tub
Buying Pants :)

Things that are Harder:
No Pizza
Getting all my liquids and proteins in
Going out to eat
Not having beer or soda
Not being able to guzzle water
Taking pills

Well, that is all I have for now, but more to come!