The Big Why?

Its been a couple weeks since my last blog, so I basically have blown it on that commitment, but if I have learned anything in life its that you can't stop doing something just because you fail on your first go around. So on that note . . .

I read something today that really got me thinking the big question: Why am I fat? I figure any morbidly obese person goes through this type of thinking. I mean, I had plenty of thin friends growing up that ate just as much as me, and probably crappier than me. They were less active than me, and yet . . . I was the fat kid. I know it just drove my Mom crazy. She always made sure there were no sugary cereals in the house. She tried to cook dinner every night. She would have healthy snacks for when we got home from school. For all purposes . . . She was a healthy eater. My Dad was a bit overweight most of his "dad" life. I mean, most of the years I knew him, he carried an extra 20-30 lbs. But, he was active and I don't remember feeling like he ate any worse than all the skinny Dads did. So, why was I fat?

I kind of feel like there is a lot of reasons why kids are chubby or obese when they are young. However, I am not sure that I can say that it would be the same for all kids. I think we all have different paths that we go down in life, and some of that has to do with our parents, some with genetics, and quite a bit of it comes from just who we are as a person.

Let's get one thing straight about being a fat kid: NO ONE WANTS TO BE A FAT KID. And I can almost guarantee, no parent wants their kid to be fat. I experienced pain and true heartache at a young age because I was chubby. I knew as a young girl, that looks mattered. And they mattered to EVERYONE. Being a fat kid, at the time, doesn't have anything to do with your health. Being a fat kid is an psychological war path. It perpetuates self hate, self loathing, and genuine isolation. I remember being a 13 year old girl, and crying myself to sleep at night, because I felt that no one was going to love me because I was fat. No one would ever know the real me, because the real me was only good as a "friend." The Chubby Friend. My identity was built around that. BUT My parents didn't teach me that. Lots of people loved me, but somewhere along the way I was embedded with the idea that fat people are gross. We don't want to look at them. YUCK! Something about obesity makes everyone around you feel like they need to fix you. And being that fat person in the crowd hurts. It hurts deep down. And that hurt is too much to bear sometimes. So, I turned to my drug of choice, to numb that pain: FOOD. The cycle begins.

Now, lets not lie to ourselves folks . . . My self development was not one dimensional. I am one complicated chick. But, who is to say how much my obesity played a part in who I am today. Like many overweight kids out there, I over compensated. If I wasn't going to be the cool, skinny, hot girl . . . Well then I was going to be the totally rad, super fun, outgoing, funny, fat girl. I played the part well, because let's be honest: I didn't really like the boys that much anyway. :) I much preferred to spend time with the girls, cracking jokes, going to the movies and helping them know the right things to say to all the boys. I had the ins of course because the boys were all my best friends. LOL. The signs were all there, but it took me about 20 years figure it all out.

I guess I am still trying to answer that question: Why Am I Fat? As I am on this path of weight loss after my surgery, I am learning so much about myself. I can say with 100% certainty, that the reasons I was a fat kid are the exact same reasons I was a fat adult. My story is made of two major components: Genetics and Portion Size. I feel strongly that my genetics pre-dispose me toward a disease of addiction and obesity. Take that pre-disposition and throw in some low self esteem and you have the makings for a mobidly obese woman. MY obesity is a disease. I am finding that I don't get to be like the other kids. I don't get to eat whatever I want. I have to be careful and diligent with what I put in my mouth. I have to persevere when it is horribly tough to exercise, because if I don't do these things, I won't just be 20 or 30 lbs overweight . . . I will have diabetes, heart ache, jeans that never fit, sore knees, difficult sleeping at night, depression, bus seats that are too damn small, and the worst part . . . Self Doubt.

Isn't self doubt what starts all of down those rough paths in our lives? The doubt that I am worth it, or the doubt that I can overcome it, or the simple self doubt that I have the strength to keep trying no matter what.

I guess the question isn't why am I Fat? Or why do I have brown hair? Or why am I gay? Or why am I addict? I think the real question is, Can I accept it and move on with a healthy and full life?

I am a food addict. I love food. I love how it make me feel. But, I hate what my addiction has done to my heart, my soul, the people I love, and most of all my body. As a child, I am not sure there is anything that my Mom could have done to change my path. I know she would have given her own life to save me from the pain. But, what she did give me, and what role I know she is playing in my recovery today, is this: She reminded me constantly, that she loves me and that my life is worth doing whatever I need to do to have peach, happiness, and health.

I want to end this blog with a quote from my Dad. "There are just some in things, where you can ask why all your life, and never get the answer. And all you've done is waste a lot of time asking why."

Weight: 211.4